Finding out we were Pregnant Again- Pregnancy After Loss
After Uriah’s birth, the thought of getting pregnant again sent me into a panic. What if things didn’t go well? I doubted that I could manage another pregnancy. Maybe someday, but not yet. Caleb and I didn’t talk about it often because it was such a hard topic. When one of us felt ready to talk about it, the other one wasn’t. I finally told him one day, “Pregnancy has been on my mind, and I don’t want to talk about it right now. But I think about it a lot and next time you bring it up I’m ready and I’ll be able to talk about it.”
I had similar conversations with God. “I’m almost ready. We can almost talk about it.” One of my biggest fears was the trauma that another pregnancy would trigger for me. We found out we were pregnant with Uriah in November of 2018. He was due in July of 2019, but instead was born that March- at just 19 weeks gestation, he was unable to survive. I prayed, “I think I’m ready for another baby, but please don’t let it happen in November. I can do it after that, but I can’t have another baby due in July. It will be too hard. The memories and milestones will be too painful. I’m ready if the time as right, as long as it’s not November.”
Caleb and I had just decided that we would be willing to get pregnant again. Come November, my period was late. I prayed, “I can’t do this! I thought I could be ready but I’m not. Please do not let this happen right now.” And a few days later I started my period. I cried literal tears of gratitude. He heard me! I was so grateful that this wouldn’t be my trial.
But it wasn’t a normal period. It was short and didn’t feel right. About a week later I was cramping and I knew what that meant for my body. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was shocked. I knelt in prayer, crying again, but this time in fear instead of gratitude. “Please don’t let my baby die. I can’t do this again. Please don’t let my baby die.”
Caleb came home from work and I handed him the positive pregnancy test. I sat myself down, waiting for a reaction. He never gave one- he simply stood there. Neither of us had words for each other. We didn’t need them, because we knew how scared each of us were. Before bed that night we prayed together, Caleb’s turn this time. “Father, it would mean so much to us to be able to hold a living child.” I whispered my “Amen.” He said everything in that simple prayer.
The next few days, I tried to process that this was real. We found out we were pregnant again in November and this baby was also due in July. I called my sister, feeling distraught. We’ve always been close, and I knew she would understand where I was coming from. “I don’t think I can do this. This is everything I was afraid of happening and I just don’t feel strong enough.” She stayed calm, and responded quietly. “I know this must be so scary. It’s OK if you can’t think about this yet, but here’s what I’m thinking of. Uriah knows his siblings from heaven and he probably knows who is meant to join your family. Maybe this is his way of giving you a sign that he’s still with you and that he knows the members of your family.”
I was reluctant to believe this at first, but as I pondered her words they began to resonate with me. Over the next few days and weeks, slowly, my fear turned to peace. This pregnancy went from one of trauma and fear, to one of healing and comfort. I do feel like Uriah is with me, and that makes me feel like my greatest fear in this pregnancy was actually all meant to be.